Addiction and Nostalgia

Tonight I found myself sitting on the back porch smoking a cigar and enjoying a cheap cup of instant hot cocoa while I pondered how I got to where I am. I'm 28 years old, in a few short months to be of 29 years of age; I have parents who love me and try to be supportive of me; a lovely wife who (though she may not believe it) is the most beautiful and attractive woman I have ever met shares my home and my life with me; numerous friends and acquaintances who for whatever reason deign to share my existence; and am doing well enough in my classes despite a general lack of dedication to my studies this semester.


Among my friends I can count a handful of folks who have known me for over a decade. Some of them are folks I have never met face-to-face, who I feel guilty for not having been more dedicated to in the past or the present. I have a very supportive family from all aspects, especially when you consider how much some of them have been burnt by the same problems and tasks which now enumerate my existence. All in all, I should be pleased with how things have gone so far in what should be the first third of my life. Instead, I am nearly brought to tears by my good fortune and by past mistakes.


Just a few short years ago, I was head over heals in love with a girl from near Cincinatti. I left her in the dust in a very bad way to pursue my current relationship, because deep down I knew I had been trying to replace the woman who is now my wife. I had been doing so for as long as I could remember, and it was but for a night of conversation with a friend as a go-between that I would have never seen the error of my ways.


Looking back upon those times, and the events that led toward that time, I am utterly amazed. I never could apply myself to my studies of engineering or the humanities, and yet now I can debate with the best of them, and am in one of the top-rated programs for aviation technologies in these troubled United States! I've just this day made a commitment to finally carry through all the effort Yaneyama Megumi sensei invested in me back in 2000 and begin to truly study Japanese language and culture in order to pass the Japanese Language Proficiency Tests, starting with the lowest level. The wife has suggested I might be able to pass the level 4 or even the level 3 by the end of my time here at TSTC-Waco, which would tickle me pink in all honesty. I truly feel I won't be worthy, no matter how much improvement I make past reading the labels on my food!


Other things from the past have been welling up tonight. Before I (as I sometimes feel and suspect my family feels) abandoned my family up north, I had several 'close' friends who were of like mind, and witnessed the dedication and compassion that comes with a lifetime of love and marriage as my grandfathers took ill and passed on. In no small part, I am given comfort by the fact that if they so chose in the afterlife, they have a place in my home. It is a small family shrine called a mitamaya, which my wife and I commissioned and helped prepare under the direction of Reverend Barish-sama at Tsubaki GS in Washington, the same place we were married before the kami. That they were professed Christians matters not to me - if the Christians are correct and I am wrong, then hopefully the souls and guardian angels of my family will guide us through this artifact of our own energetic creation.


I remember long nights spent upon the internet, talking to distant friends (some of whom I have met since then) at my friend Graham's homes around the area where we grew up. The poor guy hit some hard times and made poor decisions later in life, and I abandoned him. If he even knows it to be so, I hope he can forgive me. He and his family showed me such good times; many of my fondest memories are of playing Medal of Honor: Allied Assault or the original Halo online. Even today, my stories of the craziness that came from Graham's dedication to technologies that were above my head bring laughter from my friends and classmates who remember 56K modems and spending all night downloading that one .midi that they wanted from an FTP server.


Of particular mirth and awe is the fact that, due to his mother's estate sale shopping and alimony, Graham had been able to purchase AV/TV output cards and a "primitive" wireless keyboard-mouse combination for our enjoyment. We played many a night away in our late teens, shooting Krauts in the face with Thompsons or annihilating the pink-clad SPARTANS which assailed us. All of the good times he showed me, and I ditched him because of some choices a few years ago which I held against him. My Maturity shows itself in annoyingly slow fashion at times, while Immaturity rears its ugly head with far too easy access for my liking.


I can recall spending hours online, developing personal relationships which continue to this day, albeit in forms I never could have conceived. I chased after affection, never realizing until 2007 who it was I was actually seeking - and even then, it took a completely twisted, almost catastrophic turn to get myself the fortitude to make my opinions and desires known. I was damned near internet addiction for 1999-2004, and yet even now I spend more time online. It's what is accepted, even expected (especially given how much of my studies are turned in on-line).


Even with all of that, I have to admit I have a good life and a decent time of things. I've managed to pull through my semester with As and Bs after years of having not been a full-time student. I smoke more than I ought to, and once in a while I drunk to excess... but you know what? I've got a wife whom I love (and who loves me in return), two cats who miss me if I even go outside to dispose of the litter box scoopings, a family that loves me and friends who keep in contact despite the distances betwixt us. I'm strong in my faith that the kami will guide me if its necessary or warranted to what I should be doing, and above all else - I'm beginning to be "okay" with myself.


With that knowledge comes the responsibility to once again improve myself. I should be in better shape, and I certainly should practice more of what I preach and what I expect of others. Life is a learning process, and while I am no less a student than anyone else, I should know and do better by now. Hopefully I will be as worth the effort others continue to allocate to me!

Tempura-ry Diet Change

Thinking of how we Americans traditionally eat, the wife and I have made a couple of small changes to our already different diet. The average American consumes more meat than any other being on the planet (although Australia is a close second). We generally consume more wheat than most folks in the world, as well as having some of the highest usage of trans fats to cook with.

Now, while I will fully admit that I have loved some butter-fried hamburgers in the past, over the course of the past year or two my tastes have dramatically shifted. My wife has expressed similar thoughts, and we're both concerned about our budget and our waist-lines. It's easy to fall into a comfort food trap, especially around the holidays. We already live in a stressful environment (learning to work on aircraft ain't easy!), we've bills to pay, all the usual complaints. Food has gotten wasted a couple times, sometimes without even being cooked. Our consumption of carbonated beverages and pain relievers has skyrocketed. Top that off with having been feeling too busy to properly cook, a long trip with the expectation that we're to gorge ourselves on roasted fowls and pigs (not to mention all the carbohydrate dense sides), and long hours at work for the wife, and things have begun to get a little ugly feeling.

So it's time for some things to change. I personally am on a quest to limit myself to only one single serving of soda per day, and replace my fluid consumption with water and tea. The wife is taking her lunch with her daily, and seems to prefer vegetarian dishes because of how much longer the vegetable fiber hangs around. When we're able, we'll be consuming more products from the sea, preferably grilled or steamed fish if we can't get decent sushi/sashimi grade.

One of the nicest ways in our experience to change (especially after a day like Thanksgiving Day) is having a day where you don't really eat. I'm not suggesting fasting (which does appear to have its health uses), just merely a change in consumption. We had that yesterday and we both felt immediately better, which to me made the oden I prepared all the more enjoyable. I think through the course of the day I had some leftover turkey, one bowl of rice with some edamame and that was it until dinner time. Granted, after dinner we slipped up a little bit and I procured some gyoza, but all in all we did much better for ourselves yesterday. We also discussed and began planning for having a week of mostly vegetable consumption, followed by (at least) several days of having a vegetarian diet.

I've been taken of late by shojin ryori, because quite literally it is the Zen of cooking. I'm not about to run off and take vows, but I am striving to better myself. The process of improving one's mind and soul is difficult, especially if you aren't feeling well. Meditation and exercise are most helpful, and will soon be the focus of some sort of plan to get and keep myself healthier. Stripping away soda and excess consumption seems to be a great start on the dietary end, but what else can I do to balance these principles with my love for tonkatsu or turkey and cornbread dressing? Perhaps a sort of detoxification on a culinary level might be needed. It makes sense to us in that light.

Tonight I didn't feel like cooking meat at all, although it's still on the menu for this week. I made a huge (by out standards) pot of vegetarian dashi and loaded it with shitake, nameko, and cremini mushrooms, then added a little soy sauce, mirin, and spring onion. It has made the entire house smell absolutely amazing!

Having that with some rice didn't seem like it would ultimately be very healthy, so I committed to making some vegetable tempura. I was too lazy to cut up the kabocha we bought in Austin, but I did slice up some onion and green beans, then skewer them along with some more mushrooms and cruciferous veggies. A quick turn through the batter and the fryer while I boiled some more edamame, and boom! a quick and easy dinner topped off by some takuan.

So here we are with a plate full of deep-fried goodness, ne? No, frying is not the absolute healthiest way to cook one's food. But this meal contains absolutely no animal products. It's got a large dose of fiber, a decent load of vitamins and minerals, and was quite satisfying on such a blustery, wind-swept evening as tonight. Tomorrow night, I will probably go ahead and make tonkatsu, given that I have very clean frying oil sitting in a pot on my stove and I'd hate to waste it by just throwing it away. After that, we're probably back to soup and vegetables for a while, with maybe some canned tuna or salmon thrown in if I'm in a crunch for time.

Senseless

This morning I just watched the news about the Indiana State Fair's stage collapse. While I'm extremely glad that only a handful of people were killed by the destruction of the stage, any loss of life and limb caused by this is regrettable. From first glance, it looks like a lot of things combined to make it an avoidable accident that no-one knew about. Hopefully no one was neglectful, because a death caused by negligence often incites rage or murderous intent (lynchings do still happen, after all - just not often in the US).

It strikes me as one of those examples of how life is completely transient. This gift we're given, the chance at life on this turn of the great cosmic wheel has no guarantees of anything other than an eventual death. When we see others suffer or die we're reminded of that. It can be quite the psychological burden to bear, knowing that you survive as others do not.

The solace I take from having seen this tragedy on the news is that others immediately rushed to help. People reportedly used the clothing from their own bodies to provide tourniquets and bandages to those who were injured, and still others comforted the dying. It was one of those moments which make me proud to be who I am, where I am. The combined effort of bystanders and professional rescuers alike must have saved or eased many who were caught in that accident. Certainly, people must have prayed both for life, for release and relief from pain and suffering. I too pray for the safety and continued life of those who were hurt, but I also pray for the safe release of the spirits of those who were hurt.

Shinto has the tradition of placating the ara-tama, the wild spirit of those who have passed on before us. Much like offering placation to the kami who are capable of wildness and anger (it is not their stated goal, mind you), one should see to it that those who passed unexpectedly in fear and pain are not disturbed. The confusion of a sudden, senseless death is a hindrance to those spirits; they continue to exist, but may have problems adjusting to their new existence. That is why I hope and pray for the safe passage of those who lost their lives, and for the relief of suffering for those who live.